Edward's Hate Letters
by Hockey-Girl32
Summary: Bella discovers the hate letters that Edward has written to various residents of Forks, but has never sent. What does Edward really think of Bella's friends, of her father? Hilarious and utterly out of control! E/B Contains bad language. Enjoy!
1. Chapter 1

**Okay here is the first chapter! This first letter is from the fan fic, The Edward Diaries. Go on my profile to read it!**

**Yeah so my friend Claire and I wrote the Edward diaries with some help from Sarah.**

**Claire wrote this hilarious hate letter and it's so funny we just had to publish it by itself!**

**Don't worry; there will be more of Edward's hate letters to come!**

**Okay, just to warn you this contains bad language.**

**You know how this goes, I don't own twilight blah de blah**

**Chapter 1**

The day dawned wet and dreary. Typical for the soggy hell hole of Forks.

Bella dragged herself out of bed; showered; dressed; and tripped and stumbled her way downstairs.

She wolfed down some breakfast and jumped into her truck as quick as she could.

She was going to see Edward.

After reaching the end of the long winding driveway, she sprinted up the front steps.

She rang the doorbell impatiently. She was surprised when it wasn't answered immediately, surely the Cullens would have heard her?

After a minute or so, the door opened to reveal a sullen Rosalie. Rosalie eviled Bella and wordlessly placed a letter in her hands, being careful not to give her a paper cut.

'_I can't deal with that shit again...'_ thought Rosalie.

Without a word, she turned and disappeared upstairs.

Bella opened the letter, confused.

_Bella,_

_I am very sorry but due to my overwhelming urges to suck all the blood from your body yesterday, I must go hunting with my family. I will see you tonight._

_Edward xxx_

Bella sighed, _'He's so sweet!' _ She thought to herself.

It then dawned on her that she had the whole day ahead of her with no Edward. She dragged herself upstairs and sat down on Edward's sofa.

She spent a little while snooping around. After discovering Edward's stamp collection, emo music and mascara; Bella's focus switched to a pile of paper on Edward's desk.

Curious, she went over the pile. She picked up the first piece of paper and unfolded it. After glancing at it, she gasped.

It was a hate letter to Jacob that he never sent.

_Jacob,_

_I'm writing to you to express my hateful feelings towards you._

_Here it goes:_

_Childhood Friends Do Not Equal Lovers – just because you made mud pies as children, it does not mean she wants to be with you. She didn't even remember you; that's how much of an impression you made on her. Ha ha ha you lameo._

_You came to prom! What was with that? My prom! Not yours! You go to some crappy native American school where your idea of prom is dancing around the campfire making that stupid red Indian sound with your mouth and your hand!_

_Your father is disabled? Yeah right! He was seen driving a car! Paralysed my ass! What was he doing behind the wheel of the car? And then five seconds later being wheeled around! What was with that?_

_You are a dirty stinky dog. Stay away._

_You'll never have Bella. Stop trying._

_Bella loves me. She does not love you. Fuck off._

_Cut your hair you lazy piece of shit. You look like a freak and my future mutant baby will be embarrassed by you if you don't cut it. I don't care if it's cool on the reservation._

_Get some new friends. The ones on the beach could do with a makeover and a haircut. Not to mention a wash. _

_Get away from my girl. _

_You'll never get your paws on Bella. I will never leave her._

_You smell. Have a wash._

_You're ugly. Nothing can change that. They are make-up artists; not miracle workers._

_You're shorter than me. Well, for now._

_You don't look good in a cagoule. Neither does Bella. The next time it's raining; go inside. I couldn't bear to see that again._

_You are a MANSLUT._

_You repulse me._

_I HATE YOU._

_I hope you take none of this personally, it's just business._

_Yours Sincerely,_

_Edward Anthony Mason Cullen (aka snugglemuffin)_

_Xxx_

Bella could hardly believe her eyes. She had no idea Edward felt this way about Jacob. And his friends. Bella thought the long hair looked kind of cute on him. Obviously the feeling was not mutual between Edward and Bella.

Thoroughly shocked, she picked up the next piece of paper and unfolded it.


	2. Chapter 2

**AN: We don't own Twilight blah blah**

**Sorry we haven't been updating much, we've been very busy! But now it is Summer we should be updating more frequently! If you have any other suggestions for people to write letters to, don't be afraid to review or send us a message! Hope you like it! Enjoy…**

Charlie,

I am writing to you to explain my annoyance towards you.

Firstly; what is with your moustache? You may be bald but we can still tell you are going grey from that scraggy silver mess on your face. And seriously, the amount of stuff you get stuck in there! I swear I once saw a mouse's nest in there! Not to mention the bright yellow comb! A comb won't work. A razor will.

And the food! You got an entire plate of spaghetti stuck in there! You didn't even realise and made another plate. Wait, I mean, you made Bella make you another plate.

What is with you using her as a slave?! You are too much of a fat ass to make your own meals, so you use your own daughter as a slave?! Even when she is out, instead of using the small amount of effort it would require to prepare your own meal, you order in pizza. That is not only lazy, but selfish. Some poor coroner will have to examine your grease clogged arteries when you die from a heart attack in the near future.

Build a new bathroom. My love needs her privacy. Also, stop using her shampoo, I keep thinking you are her and following you to the fried chicken place out of town. Yeah, you thought that you could keep that a secret, didn't you? Well I know Charlie. I know.

Your nosiness is very problematic for me. You check up on Bella at night and I am forced to flee the room temporarily. I WILL SLEEP WITH HER/ STALK HER IF I WANT! By that I mean sleep _beside_ her, of course.

You're an idiot. Why don't you turn off ESPN and onto CNN or The Discovery Channel once in a while?

You are fat. Do some exercise. It won't kill you, it only feels that way when you are chasing down a criminal. By criminal I mean elderly lady who hasn't paid her parking ticket.

What is your occupation? Police Officer my ass! All you do is eat doughnuts. And a few children by the look of it. Bella always wanted a brother or a sister. Why did you have to eat them? Why did you eat your children, you bastard?

Do you have any friends? Any friends at all, and no the bird that sits outside your window does not count. Your only one seems to be Benefit Thief Billy. He's not paralysed you idiot. HE DRIVES! You inspected that one very well. What's a key skill to being a police officer again? Oh yeah, observation.

And why am I not surprised that your favourite sport, fishing, is the only one where you sit on your ass doing nothing (doesn't that feel like work all over again?) The only reason you started fishing was because it was a sport you and Billy could both do, you couldn't choose basketball or anything that involves the slightest flex of your muscles? And Billy had to keep up his image of being a paraplegic, just for you. YOU STARTED THIS LIE!

Stop trying to tear Bella and myself apart. We are meant to be together, just like you and loneliness.

You're balding. Grow some hair, or buy a wig.

You're a hillbilly. Put the damn shotgun away. And no, don't try to shoot me. It won't work. That would only take an idiot. Oh, wait, that's you. And don't pretend you don't think about it, I know you do, every single time I touch Bella.

Could you make it any more obvious you hate Bella? You make her drive around in that hunk of junk I prefer to call a death trap. And that was a gift? If it weren't for my secret _improvements_ to the car's engine during the nights when she snores, she would most likely be dead right now. But you would probably prefer that wouldn't you? You make her eat at that greasy diner so often it's quite ridiculous neither of you have had a heart attack! Yet, that is. And like it's not bad enough you want her to have a car crash of some sort, and you've sent her down a path of obesity and heart disease (thanks a fucking bunch for that by the way), you never talk to her or try to make an effort! If it weren't for me and my over-emotions she would have probably committed suicide by now – just to see if you noticed.

Either that or she'd be dating Mike Newton. *shudder* Does that make you feel better? She'd most likely be sleeping with him, too. *double shudder* Yes, I mentioned it. SEX. Why are you so fucking uncomfortable about it? Yes, you may be surprised that I am talking this openly about such matters but that's just because I like to brood and play piano and seem like a gentleman. You're just a creep. And too awkward for words. Almost as awkward as Kristen Stewart.*TRIPLE SHUDDER* I mean Bella. No I don't, I mean Kristen. I'm confused now. ARE YOU FUCKING HAPPY NOW YOU MORON? YOU'VE made ME confused! And my IQ is probably twenty times what yours will ever be. Do me favour: FUCK OFF.

You're so fucking lonely and boring I would have , about 3 months ago, advised you to sign up for (if you don't find love in six months, they'll give you six months free! Think of the savings _you_ could make!). However, after seeing the deterioration of your condition, I would strongly advise you sign up for their sister-site (the one they pass you onto after or twelve months of nothing) : ; or maybe we should just sign you up for the worst one, to see how you're coping (the site they pass you onto before rejecting you completely you are such an utter weirdo) :

Stop giving Bella pepper spray cans and refills. I am not a sexual predator. I hardly feel comfortable cuddling her.

Find some way of not talking in your sleep. Bella may not be able to hear you, but I can. I know _all about_ that little voodoo doll of Phil you've got lying around.

There is such a thing as deodorant. Just putting that one out there.

If you ever feel like plucking your nose hairs, or maybe even your eyebrows, I will pay for you to have it done.

Next time you go to the shops, BUY SOME FUCKING AIR FRESHENER FOR THE BATHROOM!

Can you please, once in a while, take the movie out of the player after you've finished. I've had to see the credits of Brokeback Mountain one too many times for my liking. And one too many times to be able to ever block it out of my head.

Update your music collection. Vintage Madonna? _So, 2006._

You scare me to death. Why, you may ask? I found the drawings, Charlie; you know which ones I mean.

You are the most dull, obnoxious, lazy, selfish, stupid and moronic person on the planet.

No wonder Renee left you.

Yours Hatefully,

Edward Anthony Mason Cullen (aka Eddiekins)

xoxo


	3. Chapter 3

**AN: Thanks for all the reviews! We also have started a new story called, Around the World with 8 Cullens. If you like this, then go and read it! It's on this profile!**

**We don't own anything blah de blah**

**Please continue to R&R with suggestions for who Edward can send the letters to!**

(Mrs Cope is the woman who works in the High School office and in Midnight Sun we discover that she has many fantasies and inappropriate thoughts about Edward.)

Dear Mrs Cope,

I am writing to you to express my hatred and revulsion towards you.

Firstly, you are a pervert. Your inappropriate thoughts about myself when I am in the same room as you make me want to throw up the latest mountain lion I ate.

Carnal relations are only appropriate for those in relationships. I am already in one and have no plans to end it and start one with you. Ever. And yes, I know it was you who was in league with Jessica and Lauren and that you formed the Facebook group, "We Hate Bella Swan and Want Her to Die So That We Can Be With Edward". I saw you put the banana skin in front of Bella. Due to Bella's retardedly clumsy nature, that is practically murder. You are lucky I saved her, if a hair on her head had been harmed, I would have ensured your smiley perverted face never saw the light of day again.

Also, do you know how old I am?! Officially, I am 17. That you have sexual thoughts about me is just plain wrong. I am a CHILD! You should be on the Sexual Predators list! I shudder to think about all the past students who have been subjected to your perversion.

However, I am actually 108. That just makes you weird and creepy on a whole other level. I AM OLD ENOUGH TO BE YOUR GRANDFATHER! Do you remember meeting someone who looked like me when you were 3? And they tore down your tree house and....ate your parents... which made you cry! That was due to a vision of the future their sister saw. Yeah, it was me. I knew you would be perving on me. TAKE THAT!

The seventh commandment – Honour thy Husband. That does not mean have sick thoughts about 17 year old boys or 108 year old men!

What do you even do in your job?!!! You just stand there and do nothing! When I come to you, desperately asking to move classes to prevent me from slaughtering a fellow student, you don't listen! You bat your mascara clogged eyelashes at me and imagine more sick thoughts! I have come so close to killing you - you don't even understand!

And yes, I remember your thoughts when I carried Bella into the office after she feinted in Biology! You were wishing you had feinted so that I could carry _YOU_! Even if I wanted to (which I never would) I would be unable to lift your fat ass!

You are a boring old crow.

No one has ever thought about you in the way you think about me. FACT. I know. However, they have thought about it. During Nightmares.

Yours disgustedly,

Edward Anthony Mason Cullen (aka Eddy-Weddy-Poo)

xoxo


	4. Chapter 4

**AN: Some of you requested Mike Newton, so here it is! **

**We don't own Twilight yadda yadda yadda**

**Enjoy...and review with comments!**

Mike Newton,

I am writing to you to express my utter disgust and hatred of you.

I hate you. More than you could ever imagine.

You know when you changed your hair from one gel-laden style to another? I know who you were copying – I don't find it flattering, and your hair will never, _never_, be as hot as mine. FACT. Even Bella noticed you copied me – NOT COOL.

You don't look good in a wetsuit. Next time you even think about going to the beach, get a gym membership first. It'll do everyone, and I mean _everyone, _a favour. People look at you and want to puke.

Stop following Bella around. Yes, I know I do it, but I have the right to because I am her boyfriend and she likes it in some weird kinky way, you just look like a little lost puppy dog and you annoy the hell out of her. In other words: FUCK OFF.

When I left Bella, I at least expected her friends would look out for her. But no, instead you offer her a job at your crappy shop where no one buys anything from – apart from my family of course, but we don't even use it! Do you want to know why? BECAUSE IT'S SHIT! In a way, giving her a job there endangered her life. Sharp tent pegs and Bella do not go together – even a moron like you should know that.

You're such a fucking dickhead asshole. Bella rejects you and you move on to the next girl who will give you the time of day, her best friend, may I add. You don't even like her that much! You still obviously have a crush on Bella – which I will never understand! MORALS! WHAT HAS HAPPENED TO YOU YOUNG PEOPLE THESE DAYS! NO MORALS, AT ALL! In my day, we were taught to court a lady before even being alone in a room with her. I felt so much more comfortable then. Bella is so forward...it scares me...I don't blame you for all youths in society – the girls are just as bad...if not worse...

Bella loves me. She doesn't even like you, she only pities you.

You asked Bella to the dance. She rejected you. HA HA HA YOU LOSER! GO HOME AND SLIT YOUR WRISTS – DO US ALL A FAVOUR!

Tip for the future. When instigating a conversation with a friend and hopeful future girlfriend, you do not start with; "How you liking the rain, girl?" in an obnoxious accent. Try, "good morrow, my dear lady," or "the rain in Spain falls mainly on the plain, I must say,"

Don't throw liquorice at Bella. It's like throwing a basketball at a corpse – THEY'RE NOT GOING TO CATCH IT!

Bella says you look baby-faced. HIT PUBERTY!

Your hair looks blonde from the front and brown from the back. SOME CONSISTENCY WOULD BE APPRECIATED!

Stop fantasising about my Bella. Yes, _my Bella, not yours!_ Unless you become extremely fast, strong, pale, intelligent, modest, handsome and pose an extreme threat to her life – you have NO CHANCE IN HELL! Literally, you will go to hell if you are like me. God doesn't like me, he's jealous of my sheer beauty like no other. Just because he hasn't had access to a razor in like a couple of centuries – don't take it out on the hot ones! God, being beautiful can be tough...

Tell Jessica to put some more clothes on. Especially around me.

You saw Bella the day after the accident with the van whilst she was walking and breathing. You then remarked; "you're alive!" in a strange fashion. NO SHIT SHERLOCK!

Stop trying to keep Bella and myself apart. Yes, I do look at her like she's something to eat, DUH! SHE IS!

You are a manwhore.

I hope you marry Jessica, have 18 kids, live in a trailer park; miserable.

You disgust Bella and myself. I despise you.

Loads and Loads of Love,

Edward Anthony Mason Cullen (aka Huggelberry-Huggles)

xoxo


	5. Chapter 5

**AN: We don't own Twilight blah blah blah...**

**Please review with comments and suggestions of characters you want Edward to send letters to! Enjoy...**

Carlisle,

I am writing to you to express my irritation towards you. Regardless of the fact that you are my adopted father.

Firstly, why do have to be such a fucking good guy all of the fucking time? Can't you just mess up, like, once, for the sake of my pride? Or anyone in the world's pride for that matter?

You turned me into a vampire. THANKS A FUCKING BUNCH FOR THAT.

Why are you so tolerant of the moronic human idiots we live around? You're a doctor, give them an _accidental _overdose, save us vamps a lot of hassle of dealing with them! And the vampires, too! God, when three hostile vampires waltz into a clearing where my true love, Bella, is, DO NOT ask them if they want to join our game! For someone with so much life experience, and someone with so many university degrees, you can be pretty damn stupid sometimes.

You befriended the Volturi. NOW THEY WANT US TO JOIN AND TRACK OUR EVERY MOVEMENT! THANK YOU _VERY MUCH!_

What is with that huge fucking old cross you put up? It totally and utterly destroyed the feng shui I was going for...Also, it creeps out Bella.

You are a trained doctor. You are practically immune to human blood. Yet you ask ME, the vampire who is MOST ATTRACTED to Bella's blood, to suck the venom from her hand. WHAT WAS WITH THAT! DO YOU HAVE _ANY _COMMON SENSE? DID THEY NOT HAVE THAT IN THE 1600s? Did you want me to be responsible for Bella's death, is that what it was? You are sick, Carlisle, truly sick. And you've had like 400 years to self-diagnose. God.

What kind of father are you? When I, your son, sat alone and depressed in my room, you pranced off to your own room to have carnal relations with Esme. And the noise was not appreciated either. Caring? I think not.

Whoever said compassion was your power, either was a liar or had never met you before.

You're so selfish – you changed me into a vampire just so you wouldn't be a loner all by yourself, making re-recordings of classic songs.

Why couldn't you just get a mail order bride like everyone else does? Esme can be such a meddler sometimes...

Why did you make a treaty with the Quileute's? We could have killed them there and then, that way Jacob would have never had existed to try and ruin my life, and Billy wouldn't be around to put on a random facade he is a paraplegic.

Your hospital has a sleep disorder unit? What, in the hope it would attract vampires? Or did you just set it up for our family?

If you're such a great doctor, why didn't you nurse us back to health as human rather than changing us into monsters. In my case, I had the flu! THAT CAN BE HEALED! Maybe Emmett might have lost a few limbs, but he wouldn't have been condoned to a life of eternal night! You're such a fucking prick sometimes!

Thanks for telling Bella we used to swim the Channel together. Now she thinks I am some kind of weird swimming obsessive. Not that I couldn't beat Michael Phelps without the use of weed...

You suck at lying. After the whole van accident, when you denied I had done anything out of the ordinary, COULD YOU BE ANY MORE MYSTERIOUS AND SUSPICIOUS IF YOU TRIED? And, for once in my godforsaken vampire life, couldn't you LET ME BE A HERO! I WANT ATTENTION! I WANT GLORY! I WANT GRATITUDE! I HAVE A.D.D. FOR CRYING OUT LOUD! YOU HAVEN'T EVEN DIAGNOSED IT IN 90 GOD DAMN YEARS YOU FUCKWHIT...okay, maybe I should go burn some incense sticks to calm down – or maybe I'll just stalk Bella, that relaxes me too.

Speaking of which, DOES THAT NOT ALARM YOU IN ANY WAY! You are my father figure, surely you would notice the parallels between me and a sexual predator! Charlie does! I fear for the safety of your more vulnerable patients, or your patients with A.D.D.!

Stop moaning about me not writing you a lullaby. I wrote Bella, Esme and several other members of the family ones because I LOVE THEM! Take a hint, man...

There is no need to wear your doctor's outfit around the house. Or your stethoscope. None of us have heartbeats, and when Bella's around it's just plain creepy...it's like you're waiting for her to die or something.

You need to FUCK OFF OUT OF MY LIFE sometimes.

Stop being such a know-it-all. It gets very, _very_, wearing.

Stop being so fucking calm, all of the fucking time.

Go back to London. You can visit once a decade.

Yours Irritatedly,

Edward Anthony Mason Cullen (aka your gothic stud muffin)

xoxo


	6. Chapter 6

**AN: Yeah so we don't own twilight, blah de blah. **

**Okay, so as requested, we have done Mr Banner, Edward and Bella's biology teacher. If you like this story then please go check out a new one Claire and I have started, Around the World in 8 Cullens. It's on this profile.**

**Please continue to review and tell us who you want letters addressed to.**

**Enjoy!**

Dear Mr Banner,

I am writing to you to express my irritation towards you.

Maybe instead of bribing your students to work by giving them a golden onion, you could actually make your lessons interesting.

Don't glare at me when I'm not listening in class. I know more about the subject than your puny brain ever will.

Using phrases like "Green is what? Good! Let's go!" is so lame. I will distract Bella from Mike asking her to prom if I want to, I will be a biatch if I want to, and I will not get on your crammed horrible school buses if I damn well please. Don't tell me what to do; you have no idea what havoc I could cause.

Compost tea? Really? Making a drink made of pure shit sounds really..._tasty_. And then, what do you do? You give a cup to Tyler, with a probable IQ of less than 80, and only tell him after he's run off that you shouldn't drink it. I know it should go without saying, but these are Forks High students, they are not the brightest of bulbs.

Why did you ever make Bella come and sit next to me? She is the one student in the ENTIRE class I am most likely to slaughter, but you see it as a good idea to sit her down next to my blood-sucking mouth. How stupid are you? Very, is the answer you were looking for.

You have a crush on my Bella! MY BELLA! MY UNDERAGE, 17 YEAR OLD BELLA! You fucking pervert! What the hell do you think you are doing? I CAN HEAR EVERY SINGLE THOUGHT THAT GOES THROUGH YOUR THICK HEAD! How stupid can you get? In your case, I'd rather not wonder...

You made Bella sit through the blood testing, even though there was a mundane human being stabbed with a pin. AND THEN YOU LET MIKE FUCKING NEWTON CARRY HER AROUND! Thank God I was stalking her at the time, and listening in to the lesson; otherwise Mike probably would have raped her on the way to the nurse's office! YOU FUCKING IDIOT! MY BELLA IS ONLY EVER MEANT TO BE ALONE WITH ME! You absolute fucking twat, _everyone_ knows that.

THE MOVIE. That pure shit we had to bear. A dark room and my close proximity to Bella is not good due to my thirst for her blood, and her horniness around me. Not only that, but I had to skip class to miss the end of it, THAT WAS HOW FUCKING BORING IT WAS! And now, my 4.0 GPA is probably ruined. THANKS A FUCKING BUNCH YOU BORING TWAT!

I know you talk to the plants when no one's there. I know all about the little outfits you dress them up in...

You are a creepy man. Keep away from Bella. Or else...

You disturb your students to the core. Just because Forks has no other trained Biology teacher, I WOULD HAPPILY DO IT IF IT WASN'T FOR THE STUPID FACT THAT I'M STUCK IN A FUCKING 17 YEAR OLD'S BODY! AND I HAVE TO KEEP THIS COVER GOING UNLESS YOU WILL ALL REALISE ME AND MY FAMILY ARE ACTUALLY BLOOD SUCKING VAMPIRES WHO DREAM ABOUT KILLING YOU ALL! That's actually the reason we moved to Forks, we thought you huge bunch of idiot weirdoes would never suspect a fucking thing. And you don't, which proves our theory you are a bunch of fucking idiotic twats!

I hate you. Bella hates you. Your students hate you. Your plants hate you. The whole world hates you. In other words, FUCK OFF AND GO DIE IN A HOLE.

Please get a new hobby. That whole America's Next Top Model cross-dressing thing you've got going on is just plain wrong. Don't inflict such pain on the eyes of those of us normal people.

Killing hamsters is wrong. The one in the Biology lab has changed species 4 times this year to try and avoid its impending doom.

Get some new videos.

Move away from me and my Bella. Far away.

You irritate me like no other. You need to fuck off, for the sake of your health.

Lots of Love,

Edward Anthony Mason Cullen (aka Edy-Pedy-Huny-Bunny-boo)

xoxo


	7. Chapter 7

**AN: We don't own Twilight blah de blah.**

**Please continue to review guys! Tell us who you want letter addressed to!**

Dear Rosalie,

I am writing to you to express my hatred towards you.

Firstly, you are a cold, heartless bitch. Just wanted to make that clear. Because nothing else seems to get through your thick bimbo head.

Emmett. I mean really? How bad is your taste in men?! He is loud, obnoxious and has the mentality of a two year old. And you still don't deserve him. And that's saying something.

And why are you so fucking sex obsessed you whore?!! You were turned into a vampire because you were violently _RAPED_! You'd think that would put a person off, but no, not you! Everyone else in the family has used immortality to learn new languages or instruments, to start up new hobbies. You? You have sex. Your life is empty. Get a new one. Far away from me.

Why are you so fucking mean to Bella?! What has she ever fucking done to you?! And don't reply 'nothing', it's a rhetorical question you thickshit. You resent her simply for the fact she is human and has human experiences. Have you SEEN Bella? She hangs out with werewolves and vampires. She spends several weeks in hospital a year due to vampire attacks. She does not have a human life so you have no reason to be jealous!

And, why should you envy her for being able to have a child? Firstly, Bella loves me and would only have carnal relations with _me_. I cannot conceive children! Secondly, even if I could, it's not like I would even have sex with her, I'm too much of a prude!... wait, no....I mean...uh....it would hurt her!

Not only do you ignore her due to your illogical resentment of her, but you scare her. Smashing salad bowls in front of my love is no way to act! Also, sneaking into her room in the middle of the night and telling her horror stories of your rape/attempted murder/transformation. Thanks for that by the way. If anyone mentions the word, Bank, or King, she hyperventilates.

For someone with such a high IQ, you say ridiculously stupid things.

Just being in the same room as you irritates me.

Tell Emmett to stop picturing you naked when you walk out the room. Believe me, I'm not impressed. Don't flatter yourself. I thought I was having a night mare and then remembered I can't sleep. Razors exist. Buy one.

You have many reasons to be jealous of Bella, but being jealous of not having me in love with you is ridiculous. Why would I ever love you?

It's I.M.P.O.S.S.I.B.L.E! Emmett only loves you because the bear dropped him on his head a few times. And he's desperate.

Also, it's just sick to want me to love you. I'M YOUR BROTHER!

Only a total bitch could be purposefully loud during sex to piss off her poor lonely brother. Regardless of whether you're a vampire, you're going to hell. Sex is banned there.

God has been watching you. He's not impressed. With the sex or the bullying.

Italy. Need I say more?

....

YES! I can't believe I almost killed myself due to your low brain capacity and tendency to misinterpret things. As if I needed another reason to hate you. You also inadvertently set the entire Volturi on Bella. Thanks. THANKS A FUCKING LOT! You can mess with me, BUT. DON'T. MESS. WITH. BELLA.

As if it wasn't bad enough that you cause huge problems in our family, but among the general population of Forks High School also. The guys all love and fantasize about you, upsetting their girlfriends as they feel neglected. And the girls! You can trace your path around school by the girls left in your wake, crying and thinking about becoming bulimic. Some even consider slitting their wrists. Or yours. Did you know you are solely responsible for the suicide rate in Forks. I mean, you made people think Bella had committed suicide and you rip girls self esteem apart until they kill themselves.

ARE YOU FUCKING HAPPY YOU BITCH?! COULDN'T YOU AT LEAST LOOK UGLY FOR ONE. FRIKKIN. DAY?

Stop destroying houses with Emmett. It is disgusting, irritating and un-environmentally friendly. I'm sure Green Peace will intervene soon. The wasting of finite resources is everyone's business.

Get a new hairstyle. Kendra from the Playboy Mansion is not a good style icon.

You are a bitch, through and through.

I wish Carlisle had never found you.

Please leave. I have an application for Big Brother in my bedroom. I will gladly fill it in for you.

I despise you.

Yours hatefully,

Edward Anthony Mason Cullen (aka Cuddly Cullen)

xoxo


	8. Chapter 8

**AN: SORRY! I uploaded the wrong version of chapter eight, the hate letter to Tyler, last night! I did half and then sent it to Claire who added lots of hilarious bits. Stupidly, I submitted the first version so there was no author's notes and none of Claire's bits. SORRY CLAIRE! So, I have now taken down the original one and put this one up which is longer, way funnier, and has an author's note. Sorry for any problems I have caused!**

**Sorry for the long wait! Holidays and everything can be busy, but this is worth the wait! Please keep reviewing with suggestions etc, we would like to have at least 100 reviews before we update again! **

**Oh, and to those who reviewed with comments about the whole wheelchair, driving thing. We know that people who are paraplegic can drive, but we also know it takes a special kind of technology in a car. Billy's car from the movie was extremely old and looked like it had no such technology, yet Billy was driving it. It is a fault in the movie, which we have completely taken the piss out of. Sorry if anyone took offense, we did actually know what we were talking about.**

**Also, quite a few people have been asking about Bella's reaction to the letters. Now don't worry, you will find out her reaction, but not for a while yet. Please be patient!**

**Well, now that's out of the way, please enjoy reading! Please R&R too! **

**Lots of Love Catriona and Claire xoxo**

Dear Tyler,

I am writing to you to express my annoyance towards you.

Firstly, how bad is your taste in the opposite sex? Lauren Mallory. _Lauren Mallory_?! Have you actually ever tried to have a conversation with her, that didn't consist of her staring at you wide-eyed whilst trying to stay awake?

Not to mention her IQ is around 50! Actually, come to think of it, that's probably why you two get on so well. I hope you do well in college, at the Washington State Collage of Duh... (faces falls to one side as you begin to drool).

And what the hell is with that piece of shit that you drive around in? A van? Unless you are a builder, a drug dealer or a kidnapper, you have no excuse to drive a van!

Then again, if you're training to become a fat, lonely, ignorant, stupid truck driver who drives all across America doing shit all to earn money for the family you care shit all about, then congratulations, I think you'll pass that with a C+. It'll be your highest grade of your school career!

Speaking of your van, do you remember when you almost smushed my true love on your bumper?

WELL I DO! YOU FUCKING TWAT! I BROKE A FUCKING NAIL STOPPING YOUR STUPID ASS VAN. IT WILL NEVER GROW BACK! _NEVER! _ THANKS A FUCKING BUNCH!!! DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH IT COSTS ME TO KEEP MY NAILS IN PERFECT CONDITION LIKE THAT! WELL, NOTHING REALLY, BUT IT'S JUST SO HARD BEING BEAUTIFUL! AND YOU MADE ME LESS BEAUTIFUL! WHY, TYLER, WHY? WHY DO YOU HAVE TO BE SUCH A MEANY!

Not only did the attempted murder of Bella and the breaking of my nail annoy me, but you being a moron irritates me even more. Look, I know you are not the brightest bulb, and compared to me your GPA resembles that of some chewed gum under one of the Forks High desks, but only YOU could hit the ONLY patch of ice in the _ENTIRE PARKING LOT! _You fucking retard!

You suck at driving. Get some lessons. Not to mention a new ride. And also a new face while you're at it. Actually, maybe the people there can direct you to the place where you can get a new life. Or maybe they can just direct you back to the hole you crawled out of. Maybe you can go there and fall down that hole and die and I'll dance around the hole happily at your death and no one will care you are gone. Yeah.

And I can't believe you continued to irritate my Bella further after _ALMOST KILLING HER_! Didn't any part of your Neanderthal brain tell you that maybe you had pissed her, and me, off enough for the day. No, make that enough for an eternity! But regardless of this you apologised endlessly to Bella, driving her crazy.

And it drove me crazy too. God, when I almost revealed myself and my family and I just needed some alone time to stare at myself in the mirror and mourn over my nail, my head was crowded with your thoughts of how you could apologise further to her! FUCKING DROP IT!

Now I'm all for apologising, it's very polite, but once someone accepts your apology, YOU STOP!

True if I was Bella (and yes I may sometimes dress up in her clothes and walk about her room impersonating her whilst she's in the shower, almost choking at the amount of water getting caught in her throat because she stands under the shower head open-mouthed and wonders why there's water in her mouth – FUCKING HELL THAT ANNOYS ME, but no one knows I actually do that because I told Alice it wasn't a vision it was just a nightmare) I wouldn't have forgiven your loser ass but surely even you have enough brain cells to understand how apologies work! YOU FUCKING TWAT!

Not only did this serve to irritate my love – something that is unforgivable – I am sure it could have somehow affected Bella's recovery in hospital! Added stress is not needed when having gone through so much trauma already. I learnt that when I did my first medical degree. Ooh, how smart am I? Very, I know. But, anyway, she already had a stressful enough day.

I mean first with the whole you nearly killed her thing and then she had to see my beauty right before her eyes – I mean that must have been stressful because she's just so ugly, and I'm just so gorgeous – it must have been really hard for her. And then she had to go through the emotional roller-coaster that was me breaking my nail, so that would have added to her stress, most likely. SO YOU FUCKING SHOULDN'T HAVE MADE IT ALL THAT FUCKING WORSE BY NEVER SHUTTING THE FUCK UP! You fucker…

I bet the added stress you gave her somehow damaged her organs! She almost died because of you! _Again!_

Imagine that! I save her from your truck only to have her die of frustration at your endless apologies. Or kill herself. If I could read her mind, I am positive she would have had suicidal thoughts while lying in the bed next to you while you blabbered on. Or she thought of going back in time to sacrifice herself for the sake of my nail. I'm sure she would have taken time to analyse that one.

However, I _can_ read your thoughts. You thought about asking Bella out whilst you were in the hospital.

(1.) She would never go out with you normally, time has shown that.

(2.) JUST AFTER NEARLY KILLING HER, IN HOSPITAL, IS NOT THE BEST TIME TO ASK HER OUT! NOT TO MENTION YOU LOOKED LIKE SHIT, COVERED IN BLOOD AND BANDAGES! And I thought Lauren was ugly, she looked like fucking Giselle next to my stressed out, blood covered open-mouthed love.

(3.) You are a fucking twat if you ever thought I would have allowed that union.

(4.) I think you'll find I'm the one that saved her, and you're the one who tried to kill her. So I think she was a little more grateful to me than she was attracted to you.

She rejected you at Spring Dance. Ha ha ha. LAMEO!

I thought you couldn't embarrass yourself any more. I was wrong (it was like the first time ever – it felt so fucking weird). You told everyone you were going to prom with her, you cocky bastard. She in no way wanted to go with you. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Here's a little hint for you Tyler: USUALLY YOU ASK A GIRL FIRST, NOT JUST STATE THAT YOU ARE GOING WITH HER! Even Mike knew to ask. When you look dumb next to Mike Newton, you have problems. Like, mentally retarded-like issues.

She doesn't even like you, yet you somehow deluded yourself into thinking she did! She liked _me_! While you were foolishly plotting to take her to prom, I had singlehandedly saved her from rapists, taken her on a date, driven her to and from school, watched her sleep, stalked her, taken her to a meadow, pronounced my love to her, kissed her, taken her to meet my family and we skipped around happily in love.

You, however, were oblivious. Now there's a new word for you. Do you know what it means? Oh, I'm sorry, of course you won't, it's multi-syllabic!

Geez, she was _obsessed_ with me! We sat together at lunch and stared soppily into each other's eyes. Take a hint already! SHE DOESN'T LIKE YOU! SHE LOVES _ME_!

And even if you were trying to make her like you, you didn't do a very good job, did you? Even excluding the whole almost-crushing-her-with-your-van thing, you failed miserably. When she came back severely injured after *cough* falling through a window*cough*, you didn't even send her a get well card, you asshole! This is where being a fucking gentleman like myself comes in handy.

May I remind you that you spent prom night standing on Bella's step only to discover she didn't give a shit about you and had gone to prom with me. _HA HA HA HA HA! _TAKE THAT! And wind it back…and then TAKE THAT! Again!

You are an idiot.

Enjoy spending the rest of your life being miserable living in a trailer with Lauren and your 17 kids, 9 of which will actually be yours.

Do us all a favour. Go die.

Much love and cuddles,

Edward Anthony Mason Cullen (aka Cutesy Cullen, Emperor of da pia, pia, piano, piano, piano, pia, pia, piano etc.)


	9. Chapter 9

**Hello everyone! Right, so a lot of people have been asking for this one – It's Jessica!**

**Okay I got through to Claire and she added her bits. – This is the improved version of chapter 9! Nothing has been changed, we have only added stuff. Enjoy!**

**We don't own anything. If we did, we would be swimming in money with a scantily clad Robert Pattinson right now. **

**Please review and tell us who you want letters addressed to!**

Dear Jessica,

I am writing to you to express my annoyance towards you.

Firstly, I thought you were Bella's friend. Therefore, when I left her to protect her, I thought she could at least depend on you for support. I mean, who could go on living after losing _me_! I MEAN COME ON, LOOK AT ME! I'M SO BEAUTIFUL I MAKE THE GARDEN OF EDEN LOOK LIKE A SUBWAY STATION! But no! You couldn't stand her being emo and depressed so you got annoyed at her and stopped talking to her.

WHAT A FUCKING NICE THING TO DO JESSICA, YOU BITCH. More of a bitch than I, like, ever am. And that is seriously saying something!

And it's so hypocritical! I was emo and depressed before Bella came to Forks, but that didn't stop you from trying to talk to me and having lewd fantasies about me! Do I need to have a sex change? If it means I will no longer have to hear your fantasies, I will gladly undertake the procedure. Oh my, I would be such a beautiful woman. And I would dress in Herve Leger, John Galliano, only the finest gowns! I would party like there was no tomorrow, and marry a super-hot actor, like Chace Crawford. Mmmm, Chace Crawford...I mean, what? Errr...Bella?

Then, when she tries to make an effort to be nice and asks you to go to the cinema with her, you continue to be a bitch. God, give Bella a break already! I mean, she lost me! And, like, you've never had me, so you wouldn't know what it's like, but I can tell you it's pretty damn awesome to have me! Yeah it is! GO ME! If Bella wants to approach scary possible-rapists in the hope of hearing my voice – LET HER! HER DECISION, NOT YOURS! God!

And you were heading to McDonalds to have dinner. McDonalds?! Do you want my love to get clogged arteries, have a heart attack and die?! That job is already taken. Have you met her father?

Oh wait, you do want her to die. I KNOW WHAT YOU ARE THINKING JESSICA, AND KILLING MY ONE TRUE LOVE WOULD _NOT_ MAKE ME LOVE _YOU,_ YOU RETARD! I WOULD RATHER HAVE A RELATIONSHIP WITH JACOB THAN WITH YOU! AT LEAST HE IS GOOD LOOKING (his long hair flowing in the wind, as he removes his shirt to reveal his impeccable chest – even I'm sometimes turned on! Wait...NO I'M NOT! I'M A MAN! UURGH! MANLY STUFF! LIKE...BEER! YEAH!) HE SMELLS BETTER THAN YOU, TOO! AND THAT'S SAYING SOMETHING!

I bet she's hooked on McDonalds now. Great, eternity with an obese Bella. Thanks a fucking bunch for that by the way.

Even Mike Newton doesn't want you. Ha Ha Ha. That really says something about standards; yours, and his.

Also, why did you interrupt Bella and I's conversation in the greenhouse? Were you aware just how much sexual tension there was between us! I was being all soppy and tortured and hot, and then you barge in and ruin it. God, do you know how long it takes me to perfect that tortured, hot look!?! Well, not very much time, but it's hard to act like you think you're not beautiful when you know just how hot you look, all the time!

So what if Mike asked you to prom! IT'S ONLY BECAUSE BELLA REJECTED MIKE. YOU WERE SECOND PLACE. HA HA HA HA! Second to Bella Swan? Wow. If that isn't a confidence blow, I don't know what is.

Your jacket is fugly, get a new one. Puffas are so 1990s.

Do you not have anything better to do in life than gossip about my family and I? Seriously, get some new topics of conversation! You spent like an entire lunch hour telling Bella about my family! And then you got all grossed out by the fact my adopted siblings were dating each other. God, you are so, like, mentally challenged.

Key word: ADOPTED, YOU FUCKING IDIOT. Listen to Angela, we're not related you dumbass!

Contrary to what you believed, that pink prom dress you picked out was not 'awesome' and did not 'make your boobs look great' - It was hideous! Ugh, please cover as much of your body up as possible next time you attend a social function, there are some things in this world that I just don't want to see. Especially, the pictures in your mind!

At graduation, you started being all nice to Bella. You are a total bitch who only pretends to like Bella! Even Bella can see that! At graduation, she wasn't even expecting to see you ever again due to her transformation into a vampire that was due. Was she upset? NO! SHE DIDN'T EVEN CARE!

Get it through your thick skull – NOBODY LOVES YOU, EVERYBODY HATES YOU, SO YOU SHOULD JUST GO EAT WORMS. OR DIE. THEN I'D HAVE A GRAVE TO DANCE ON.

You are short. HA! Buy some heels, or just hit puberty. Whatever, I just can't bear having to look at the top of your head again. Dandruff can be treated, SO GET RID OF IT YOU SKANK! That person anonymously posting dandruff shampoo through your letter box was me! It was supposed to be used!

You do realise, that almost every time you talked to Bella, she was totally not paying attention, fantasizing about me. That is an example of how little people care about what you have to say. One example, of many. And I mean, many!

Also, for the first week at Forks High, Bella couldn't even remember your name. How does it feel knowing no one gives a shit about you? It must be really hard for you, you know, especially because me and my family go to that school too. God, you must have a really hard life. Oh, I love my life!

You are a fake friend. FAKE. The school guidance councillor would be ashamed. If there was one. But she's in an asylum now. Doesn't that tell you anything about your town? When the fucking guidance councillor has to go to a mental asylum! No? Well, then, just shut up and die.

Your mum works at a bank. HA HA HA YOUR MUM IS AN IDIOT. A _POOR_ IDIOT!

Enjoy spending your life with Mike Newton. Alice saw the future. He cheats on you countless times, strangles you, and then dumps you in the river. Have fun with that. Do you know what my future entails? An eternity of hotness. Yeah. Take that, bitch.

No one likes you. I will probably never understand how that feels. But I pity you.

Go perv on someone else.

You disgust me.

Yours with Cuddles,

Edward Anthony Mason Cullen (aka Mr Sparkly, King of Dazzlin' you-know-who-ooh)


	10. Chapter 10

**Hey! I'm so sorry we haven't updated in ages but we have been away on holiday and things have been kinda crazy! Also, much time was spent dissecting the new 'New Moon' trailer. WHY IS KRISTEN STEWART'S MOUTH STILL OPEN?! **

**Ok, so here is Jane! She was a little tricky to do but I hope this is okay!**

**As usual, we in no way own Twilight. ... I know, it sucks right!**

**As usual, please review and tell us who you want letters addressed to!**

Dear Jane,

I am writing to you to express my hatred towards you.

Firstly, you think your power is so great. Well, you're wrong. You think you're so high and mighty, making everyone scream in agony, but can you hear if people are fantasizing about you?! NO! Oh, and by the way no one fantasizes about you. NO ONE! Probably due to your face looking like that.

Oh wait, I'm mistaken. One person fantasizes about you. – Alec. THAT IS JUST SO EFFING WRONG! He's your twin brother! And you fantasize about him as well! MY FUCKING GOD – HOW FUCKING WEIRD AND CREEPY ARE YOU? AAAAHHH!!! AND YOUR KIDS WOULD BE FUCKING UGLY TOO! WELL, COMPARED TO ME, BUT EVERYONE'S UGLY COMPARED TO ME, I MEAN, COME ON, LOOK AT ME! BUT ANYWAY, YOU'RE A FUCKING TWAT!

YOU DISGUSTING INCEST-LOVING, CLOAK-WEARING FREAK!

I mean, who even wears cloaks anymore!? After 1800, everyone else stopped. OBVIOUSLY YOU DIDN'T GET THE MEMO!

I'm hotter than you, accept it. I'm so 2000 and 8 and you're so 15-oh-8! And you're not even a natural blond! I CAN SEE YOUR ROOTS! Actually, make that, EVERYONE CAN SEE YOUR ROOTS! GOD! WHO ARE YOU TRYING TO LOOK LIKE?!? ROSALIE! WELL, NEWSFLASH! IT AIN'T WORKING FOR YOU BABY! NOW GO SIT IN A FIRE AND RIP YOUR OWN HEAD OFF AND DO US ALL A FAVOUR.

And my Bella can beat you. She is amazing of course but she is still a weak, open mouthed human with a considerably lower IQ than myself. And she beat you. How does that feel? HA HA HA! THWARTED BY AN ANIMAL THAT IS SUPPOSED TO BE YOUR DINNER! How does that make you feel? Embarrassed?

I know I am, just from knowing you. Oooooooooooooooooooh! Yeah, I went there. What you got now, huh? Nothing. No comebacks today, are there? Yeah. 'Cause this is a letter, and it doesn't work that way. God, even Bella knows that. Dumb compared to Bella. NOW THAT'S FUCKING HUMILIATING!

....Yes I know Bella's immune to my power as well but....well.....

I'M JUST BETTER THAN YOU OKAY? SHUT UP AND FUCK OFF!

Now you are supposed to be "kind rulers," our "allies". Ha ha ha don't make me laugh! It was rather a strange coincidence when you turned up JUST_ AFTER_ the giant battle that everyone expected us to lose. Convenient for you. A LITTLE _TOO_ CONVENIENT!

And then you didn't even apologise. MANNERS! Not to mention you were swanning around in your fugly cloak torturing that young newborn, which, due to her horrified screams, scared my Bella! NOT ACCEPTABLE! Go torture her somewhere out of earshot of my human!

GOD! You're so inconsiderate sometimes! Learn to torture when appropriate.

Oh, and thanks for torturing me in Italy by the way. That was a barrel of laughs. Not to mention Bella was watching. YOU JUST RUINED MY MACHO IMAGE! WHEN I GOT HOME I HAD TO GO WATCH FOOTBALL AND SPIT AND PRETEND TO DRINK BEER WHEN ACTUALLY IT WAS BLOOD AND KILL SOME PEOPLE TO EARN IT BACK!

And I totally got blood all over my new Dolce and Gabbana coat! THAT. CROSSED. THE. LINE. You may be a psychotic bitch, and you may be able to torture me as you please, and you may have more power over me than I would appreciate, BUT DON'T MESS WITH THE DOLCE! I'll get you back for that one, biatch. Yeah, you better sleep with one eye open. Even though you don't sleep. So you better stand with one eye open! Or both, whichever you prefer, I guess both, but you know….

FUCK OFF!

Stop pretending Aro's your father. Yours is dead. Aro hates you. YOU ARE ALONE; ACCEPT IT!

You are bitter and twisted. No one loves you. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

You are forever pubescent. Have fun with that, I just escaped. Give up on the push up bras, you don't _have_ anything to push up! And you never will. An eternity of flat-chestedness. Have fun finding a mate. We all know that guys only like girls when they have boobs. Or a butt. But you don't have a butt either! HAHAHA! See what I did there? But..butt?!? HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHA! I crack myself up sometimes.

WTF is with your voice? I mean, around me and Bella it was all childish and weird and monotonous (worse than Bella's – and that's FUCKING saying something!) But then Alec or Aro pays you the slightest bit of attention, you're all giddy and giggly and it's FUCKING, PISSING ANNOYING! YOU TWAT! SORT YOUR VOICE OUT! AND MAYBE YOUR LIFE WHILE YOU'RE AT IT!

Oh, and I just thought you'd like to know, when Bella first saw you, she thought you were a boy. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! YOU DON'T KNOW HOW MUCH I JUST FUCKING LOVE REMINDING MYSELF AND OTHERS OF THAT! And I know her vision is inferior to ours, but come on, she can see fine. She notices I'm beautiful, doesn't she? Well, I guess it would take a bat with its eyes ripped out to not notice I'm beautiful. Well, I really should finish writing soon, I haven't looked in the mirror in, what? Ten minutes? OH MY GOSH HAS IT BEEN THAT LONG? AAAAAHH!

Red eyes + blond hair = SUPER CLASH

You are a sadistic bitch.

Do us all a favour, go burn yourself at the stake.

I despise you.

Basically: FUCK YOU, YOU TWAT.

Yours sincerely,

Edward Anthony Mason Cullen (aka Edwardia Antonia, Lord of making beige trend-worthy.)

xoxo


	11. Chapter 11

**Hello all our lovely readers! To make up for the recent lack of updates, we have two in quick succession. YAY!**

**So, this one is a very, very, very obscure character, but one that never fails to irritate me due to being decidedly Team Edward. It's the waitress from Bella Italia. You know, the slutty one that flirts with Edward? The one that's played by that weird girl in the movie? Yes, the one with the Mickey Mouse hairdo and the general took of a homeless man. **

**As usual we don't own Twilight. I don't own much really. Just my copy of Twilight actually.... I live in a cardboard box... THIS ADDICTION HAS RUINED ME! Anyway....**

**Please review with comments and suggestions!**

Dear Slutty waitress at Bella Italia,

I am writing to you to express my irritation towards you.

Stop leering at me. I am not at all interested in you and your weird ass hair. You are an air headed bimbo and I would rather have sex with Bella in front of Charlie than with you. AND THAT'S SAYING SOMETHING.

By the way, I'm underage. Technically. Back off. I have 911 on speed dial. After Samaritans. And the Jonas Brothers fan hotline.

And how dare you put me in the crowded area of the restaurant with the commoners?! I am a VIV! VERY IMPORTANT VAMPIRE! Next time, I don't want to be sitting anywhere near people who are only thinking about sex, money…or cat, for that matter. God, you know I'm beautiful, so treat me like the Adonis I know I am.

No, of course there is nothing you can get me, I don't eat food you moron. I eat humans. So watch your back.....Although, I'll never be _that _thirsty.

And your blood is tainted by botox and lipgloss. Nasty.

Stop interrupting highly sexually charged moments! We were trying to discuss me stalking her/ wanting to kill her/ loving her! BUTT OUT!

In the movie you were the fugliest fucking weird-ass human being I have ever seen. Wait...the movie? ... I don't know what made me say that...there weren't cameras following me around. Ssshh.

You tried to slip me your number. Get it through your thick skull! I'm not interested in you, you FUGLY SLUTTY WHOREY BITCHY FUCKWIT OF A SHIT-ASS WAITRESS. YOUR PARENTS DON'T LOVE YOU AND NEITHER DOES YOU BOY FRIEND. HE ONLY USES YOU FOR SEXUAL FAVOURS OF A DISGUSTING NATURE! I BET YOU CAN'T EVEN WRITE YOU ARE THAT MUCH OF AN IDIOTIC RETARD.

Wait, as you are evidently stupid, I shall repeat myself so that it gets absorbed into your stupid brain. I am just considerate that way.

YOU ARE A STUPID UGLY LONELY SLUT

YOU ARE A STUPID UGLY LONELY SLUT

YOU ARE A STUPID UGLY LONELY SLUT

YOU ARE A STUPID UGLY LONELY SLUT

YOU ARE A STUPID UGLY LONELY SLUT

YOU ARE A STUPID UGLY LONELY SLUT

YOU ARE A STUPID UGLY LONELY SLUT

YOU ARE A STUPID UGLY LONELY SLUT

YOU ARE A STUPID UGLY LONELY SLUT

YOU ARE A STUPID UGLY LONELY SLUT

YOU ARE A STUPID UGLY LONELY SLUT

YOU ARE A STUPID UGLY LONELY SLUT

YOU ARE A STUPID UGLY LONELY SLUT

YOU ARE A STUPID UGLY LONELY SLUT

YOU ARE A STUPID UGLY LONELY SLUT

YOU ARE A STUPID UGLY LONELY SLUT

YOU ARE A STUPID UGLY LONELY SLUT

YOU ARE A STUPID UGLY LONELY SLUT

YOU ARE A STUPID UGLY LONELY SLUT

YOU ARE A STUPID UGLY LONELY SLUT

YOU ARE A STUPID UGLY LONELY SLUT

YOU ARE A STUPID UGLY LONELY SLUT

YOU ARE A STUPID UGLY LONELY SLUT

YOU ARE A STUPID UGLY LONELY SLUT

YOU ARE A STUPID UGLY LONELY SLUT

YOU ARE A STUPID UGLY LONELY SLUT

YOU ARE A STUPID UGLY LONELY SLUT

YOU ARE A STUPID UGLY LONELY SLUT

YOU ARE A STUPID UGLY LONELY SLUT

YOU ARE A STUPID UGLY LONELY SLUT

YOU ARE A STUPID UGLY LONELY SLUT

YOU ARE A STUPID UGLY LONELY SLUT

YOU ARE A STUPID UGLY LONELY SLUT

YOU ARE A STUPID UGLY LONELY SLUT

YOU ARE A STUPID UGLY LONELY SLUT

YOU ARE A STUPID UGLY LONELY SLUT

YOU ARE A STUPID UGLY LONELY SLUT

YOU ARE A STUPID UGLY LONELY SLUT

YOU ARE A STUPID UGLY LONELY SLUT

YOU ARE A STUPID UGLY LONELY SLUT

YOU ARE A STUPID UGLY LONELY SLUT

YOU ARE A STUPID UGLY LONELY SLUT

YOU ARE A STUPID UGLY LONELY SLUT

YOU ARE A STUPID UGLY LONELY SLUT

YOU ARE A STUPID UGLY LONELY SLUT

YOU ARE A STUPID UGLY LONELY SLUT

YOU ARE A STUPID UGLY LONELY SLUT

YOU ARE A STUPID UGLY LONELY SLUT

You are off the Christmas card list. Permanently.

You could have brought Bella's food over faster, if you hadn't been staring at me. Instead she stared at me open-mouthed, which I found EXTREMELY uncomfortable, and she went hungry for a matter of minutes, which I'm quite sure she would've found uncomfortable.

You could have at least complimented me on my singing voice. I mean…what? Erm…I don't know what you're talking about…I, uh…FUCK OFF!

Go play in traffic.

Actually, that would be too easy for you. Go die.

Yours sincerely,

Edward Anthony Masen Cullen (aka Romeo-Heathcliff.....I MEAN EDWARD!)


	12. Chapter 12

**HELLO! Sorry it's been a little while since the last update but school has started again and It makes life very busy! So, here is Renee, i hope you like it.**

**To answer several people, YES, Bella's reaction WILL be shown, but not for quite a while yet. **

**Random piece of info: I'm going to my cousin's christening tomorrow. His name is EDWARD CHARLES (as in Charlie!) How exciting is that! And his mum, (my aunt) is called Rosie!**

**Okay, Claire is reading this and currently rolling her eyes. I will stop.**

**Please review with comments or suggestions for who you want letters addressed to.**

**As usual, we don't own nothing. **

Dear Renee,

I am writing to you to express my irritation towards you.

Firstly, why do you hate Bella so much? I mean, not even _I_ would send my greatest enemy to live in Forks. It is a fate no one deserves. Not only did you give her no other choice but to live in that hell hole, but you made her live with Charlie. The hell hole inside the Forks hell hole. The most hellish hole there is. Why on earth would you let her move in with her balding, stupid excuse for a father? She would been better off living in a dumpster with the cast of _Glee_ and only having maggots as nourishment. Ya get me? No, you obviously don't. So let me spell it out for you:

In Forks, there are three routes you can take in life. Commit suicide, eat until death is so bored of claiming the people who actually contribute to the world he makes an appearance in Washington so he can claim a few in a one-er and make it seem like it was a serial killer, or live forever as a fictional immortal. Let's explore each one.

One – commit suicide. This is Bella's most likely choice. Because Forks is such a dull and boring place to live, this is a relatively popular choice. Due to the fact that you hate her; Bella doesn't know how to convey emotion; has no friends because I made her drop all of them because I thought they were too good for her, and the fact that I have the Haitian from Heroes on speed-dial so he can make everyone forget she ever existed, she will be missed by just about no one. Maybe even a phone call once a month would let her know you cared. But no, you have to go gallivant off with Phil because he's _so important_ to you. Girls who follow their guy all over the world are pathetic. Have some self-respect. And FYI, Bella inherited it from you. Now, my life is filled with non-stop Bella and things to please her. Not that I particularly mind, just that it can be wearing, and you're a bitch for never giving me one day of the year where YOU want to spend time with her. God, and before you have a kid with Phil, can you please give one thought, that's all I'm asking, ONE THOUGHT ABOUT WHAT YOU WILL BE INFLICTING ON THE WORLD AND IT'S VAMPIRES. God, you mortals can be_ soooo _ selfish.

Two – eat until death. This is her second most-likely choice. This is also the way Charlie will die. But because you are some sort of emotionless creature, you don't give a shit. The diner in Forks makes this even more likely. Because Charlie makes her eat there nearly constantly (he would eat breakfast there if he could) she is now on a path with heart disease and obesity in her near future. DO YOU UNDERSTAND? IF I LEAVE HER, WHICH I WANT TO, THEN SHE WILL BE SAVED FROM SUICIDE BY A WOLF AND THEN EAT HERSELF TO DEATH AFTER HE GETS BORED WITH HER OPEN-MOUTHNESS.

Three – fictional character. This is what I personally chose. This is a last resort, which is getting more likely by the day. Alice even told me she saw a vision of Bella having my mutant child before I changed her. PLEASE TRY AND CONVINCE HER MORTALITY IS NICE AND SHE SHOULD STICK TO IT. DO YOU REALLY THINK I WANT TO HAVE KIDS WITH YOUR OPEN-MOUTHED TWAT OF A DAUGHTER? NO, NO ONE DOES.

I DESERVE BETTER. CHARLIE DESERVES A BETTER GRANDCHILD.

Not only do you hate her enough to allow her to move to Forks, but you obviously want her dead. I mean, considering the suicide rates in Forks, just letting her move there means she has a 1 in 2 chance of 'falling' off the cliff at La Push. Not only that, but Forks seems to have more mythical creatures than Ireland has leprechauns. And that's a lot. You thought they all died in the potato famine, didn't you? YOU STUPID OLD BAT! You wonder why it rains so much in Ireland? BECAUSE RAIN + SUN = RAINBOW. RAINBOW = POT OF GOLD.

So, I have worked out how it went. You thought, 'hey! I'm a weirdo hippy bitch and I hate my daughter! What shall I do with her so I can run off and have sex under the bleachers with my toy boy husband? I know! Guilt her into moving to Forks! HAHA! Then she will either commit suicide or be killed by one of the numerous werewolves or vampires that skulk around there! YAY!'

Bitch. Wait, make that FUCKING BITCH.

Now, you quite obviously used Bella's kindness against her to make her feel guilty from separating you from your meathead husband, but it was Bella's decision to go to Forks. Not totally uninfluenced, but her decision none the less. Now, we have already established you hate her, but surely there is at least one caring, compassionate, motherly bone in your body? How can you let her move to Forks, knowing she would most likely die? SHE IS THE FRUIT OF YOUR WOMB! I think you are the fluke in all female human beings. You are the only one that does not have a built in love for their own children. God, you are a mean fucker aren't you.

Bella chose Forks over living with you. HOW FUCKING SHIT IS YOUR HOUSE/LIFE? SHE CHOSE _FORKS_ OVER YOU! _**FORKS!**_ If that doesn't make you realise something is seriously wrong, I don't know what will. Think before moving again. You don't deserve Jacksonville. And _that's _saying something.

You are always moaning on to Bella about getting pregnant young and being a total idiot. Like you. But by letting her go to Forks you are contradicting yourself! You quite obviously want her to get knocked up by some small town hick so you don't feel like the only stupid dumb bitch in the world. ASSHOLE! How could anyone wish the likes of Mike Newton on _anybody?!_ Geez, if I hadn't been around to be all sexy, dark and brooding that's probably what would have happened. She would have become a prettier version of you, pumping out Mike Newton's kids until she upped and went to somewhere hot to be a forgetful hippy.

YOU FUCKING TWAT.

You just couldn't resist Charlie's hillbilly charms, could you??? Now half of my future wife's DNA helix is made up of beer, genes for hair loss, and general stupidity. Thanks. Thanks a lot.

Phil is younger than you. PAEDOPHILE!

Why are you so retardedly scatter brained?! I mean, Bella's clumsiness is easy to deal with! I mean, you just catch her when she trips and keep her away from pointy objects...BUT YOU?! You have clumsiness of the brain! God, are you incapable of ANYTHING?! Good lord, you will probably have to have this letter translated into words at a first grade level, so you can understand.

ME. HATE. YOU. ME. WISH. YOU. DIE. Okay?

Not to mention, valuable time of my Bella's short life was taken up by her trying to stop you from building a bomb/going base jumping/becoming a prostitute. Geez, the clock is ticking!

You gave Bella the clumsy gene. THANKS A FUCKING BUNCH! Now, I have to be constantly aware of where she is and what she's doing. I have to be her boyfriend, mother and father figure, all in one. THANK YOU VERY FUCKING MUCH FOR THAT YOU FUCKING IDIOT!

And you are so inconsistent! AAAAAARGH! Why do you have to be observant at the most inconvenient times! Like when I'm visiting! Yes, of course there's something weird going on you simpleton! I'M A VAMPIRE! And I move carefully around her so:

I don't kill her. As I am often tempted...

To protect her from the numerous crazed vampires trying to kill her.

But _not_ because I am a sexual predator, as Charlie likes to believe.

So stop giving me stress, shut up, and let me concentrate on keeping your weak clumsy daughter breathing! Go get a decent job or a hobby that is in no way associated with hippies or psychopaths.

Or save us all the hassle and stick a knife in your heart. I will gladly do it for you. I'm awfully polite you see. Just give me a call and I will _make sure _you never see the light of day again. Okay? I'll be waiting…

Not only have you given me the trouble of dealing with Bella's clumsiness – inherited from you; but I bet she develops skin cancer. Pale skin and hot climates don't mix! And I bet you were too stupid to remember to put sun cream on her!!!

You skipped her graduation! WHAT THE HELL?! Who the hell cares if Phil's broken his arm! He's a fully grown man for Pete's sake! Or is he.... bet he's underage you pedo...

Charlie loved you. You left him. You are a cruel heartless asshole. _You_ should have played the editor in 'The Devil Wears Prada'! But you don't even have the brain to do that, do you? Act. Pretend to be someone else so you can avoid facing the realities of your pointless life. No. I bet you didn't understand that either. TWAT.

GET SOME COOKING LESSONS!

Are you that much of an idiot that you don't understand that giving birth to Bella does not make _her _the mother, instead of _you?!_ Wait, of course you're that much of an idiot.

Bella describes you as her best friend. I KNOW SHE LIVED A SHELTERED LIFE, BUT _SERIOUSLY!_ I bet you had her locked in the basement for a decade or so, didn't you? That's why she's so pale! I BET PHIL IS JOSEPH FRITZL IN DISGUISE!!!

Charlie deserves better. YES, I FUCKING SAID THAT. BECAUSE YOU _ARE _THAT MUCH OF A COLD HEARTLESS IDIOT BITCH. AND THAT'S HOW MUCH I HATE YOU.

Please, for the good of everyone, grow the fuck up.

You are an immature retard.

Go and die.

FFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKK OOOOOOFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF!!!!!!!!!

I hate you.

Yours sincerely,

Edward Anthony Mason Cullen (aka Mr Canoodler, CEO of The World Stamp Collecting Society)


	13. Chapter 13

**Hey! I'm really sorry there hasn't been an update in ages but schools been crazy and although Claire and I have our holidays right now we have exams in January so are revising like crazy! I honestly can't promise an update soon either! Sorry! We'll try our best! Claire wasn't able to add her bits to this one so if it's not so funny or if you miss Edward's normal rants normally surrounding how underappreciated his amazingness is, I apologise!**

**Okay so this is Tanya. Hehehe....**

**For all the people who ask this, You WILL see Bella's reaction but not until all the letters are done! Be patient! :P**

**So we don't own anything etc etc...**

**Enjoy! Please review and tell us who you want letters sent to!**

Dear Tanya,

I am writing to you to express the disgust and hatred I feel towards you.

Firstly, can I make it perfectly clear that I DON'T LIKE/ FANCY/ WANT YOU IN ANY WAY! God, you are so disgusting! Your thoughts would put Hugh Heffner to shame! The things that go through your mind... *shudder*. In no way do I want to have any form of sexual encounter with you yet you convince yourself that I do! Are you blind you stupid slut?! I avoid you at all costs, grow even more mopey when you are around and throw a party when you leave! I think you may even be less intelligent than Charlie swan, and that's saying something!

Why do you insist on talking so much? Your fucking annoying Eastern European accent may have faded but it's still there! YOU SOUND LIKE BLOODY BORAT! You also think that your un-witty un-funny flirty comments impress me. They don't. They only make me want to throw you through the nearest wall. But I won't as I was brought up with standards, unlike you.

Talking of being brought up, I can confidently say I had a good mother to raise me. I don't remember my human mother all too well but I know that she was very kind and died bravely in a hospital bed of an infection in no way brought upon herself by her own actions. And as a vampire I have Esme, who is the nicest person in existence. Fact.

But you?

Your mother is dead. HAHAHA!

Your mother was killed by the Volturi. You couldn't even defend your mother against the Volturi?! I mean come on, they're like 3 Italian OAPs!!!

She was killed for creating an immortal child. Hello? Total vampire social faux-pas! GOD! Do you not read 'Good Vampire Housekeeping' or 'Vampirogue'?

How crap a daughter are you if she created an immortal child?! She chose an eternally crying, annoying baby over you! OBVIOUSLY SHE DIDN'T EVER LOVE YOU! Actually, now that I recall the sound of you talking to me I realise you sound very similar to the whining of an irritating baby.

I still can't comprehend this. An immortal baby. Instead of an actual adult child. HOW FUCKING BORING ARE YOU THAT SHE WANTED A _BABY_ THAT CAN'T EVEN COMMUNICATE!!!!

You didn't even realise she had created an immortal child. Didn't the extended hunting trips, baby name books and clothes far too small for you tip you off? Go back where you came from. Some poor village is missing it's idiot.

My mother was lovely. Yours was a criminal. YOU SHOULD BE LIVING IN A TRAILER PARK OR SOME OTHER SHITHOLE! ...oh wait, you live in Alaska... Okay, fair enough...

When I ended up in Alaska you thought it was because I had finally seen sense and realised I was utterly in love with you. (HAHAHAHAHA). Actually I just needed time to work through my feelings and realise I was totally in love with _Bella_. REJECTION!

Don't get snow on me bitch. Do you know how long it takes to get hair this perfect?! Oh, of course, you wouldn't, having never experienced it. Also, I can hear you coming you fuck tard therefore element of surprise = ruined! GOD YOU ARE SO FUCKING RETARDED!

You are an utter failure as a vegetarian vampire. Firstly, you didn't even manage to convert Laurent! God, you are useless! Also, you killed so many people! At least I only killed _bad_ people, you however had no such scruples! YOU SHALL GO TO HELL! EVEN _MY_ SOUL IS IN BETTER CONDITION THAN YOURS!

What was with that by the way? Fucking men and then killing them?! G.R.O.S.S! Are you like some sick twisted vampire version of a Black Widow spider or something? Come to think of it, I would prefer that butt ugly spider to you anyday. In fact, I think the men would too if you didn't have your vampire features to seduce them. Even if I was human, I would still be the sexiest thing on the planet. Fact. Bella would still throw herself at me. Fact. Every other woman on the planet and quite a few men would throw themselves at me. Fact. You however, would be one of those 60 year old virgins living in a musty old house with 15 cats, cold and alone. Rather than being what you are now – an ancient slut living in a musty old house, cold and alone.

Okay, so where the fuck where you when Victoria and her army came for us? NOT BACKING US UP FOR ONE THING! You are the shittiest extended family EVER! We had to turn to the werewolves, the _dogs_ for aid! The day someone chooses Jacob Black and his trailer park friends over you is a sad day indeed! And then, in their defence, they helped us. You didn't, yet you still wanted to kill them! WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM!? Laurent was a French twat, who cares the pack killed him! May I also remind you that he was GOING TO KILL BELLA! UNNACCEPTABLE! ONLY I MAY TASTE HER SWEET BLOOD! Wait, uh... I mean.... I will protect her....

May I just point out that me calling you a succubus is not a compliment! God, you're so thick! If I tell you that I think you are a STUPID DUMB BLONDE FUGLY RETARDED TWAT WHO SHOULD JUST GO SIT DOWN IN A FIRE AND RIP OFF YOUR OWN HEAD! – You would think I was saying, "Wow Tanya, you look sexy today!"

Idiot.

You live in Alaska. It's not the shittiest place in the world because it's Alaska, it's the shittiest place in the world because you live there!

You are a dumb blonde.

You repulse me.

YOU ARE OFF THE CHRISTMAS CARD LIST!

I despise you.

Yours with many kisses,

Edward Anthony Mason Cullen, aka cutie pie, World's greatest brooder.

xoxo


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